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I will not abandon myself. (Trigger warning: This is not a feel good post.)

I am here to be with myself again. To find my center again. I am surviving a traumatic depressive episode where I wanted so badly to end my life. I am not fully out of that mentality, but, I am having the courage to wake up and continue to try and do the things that help me to want to stay alive and eventually, genuinely just enjoy being alive. I don’t want this to be about me being so much better. Honestly,I am not. I am not so much better. I am afraid of being “better”, emphasis on the quotes, because what if I am actually not? What if it is just a good moment and I go down that slippery slope? Feeling better and then feeling worse just makes me feel insane. What I am doing right now is having courage. I am having courage.

There are moments where I feel so overwhelmed that I notice I am holding my breath at the top of my body. All of the tension, all of my existence and lacking is in my chest and throat. At any moment, I feel I can explode. Normally, it helps to meditate, to run, to be distracted, but this time, nothing is helping.

In many ways, I am grateful. I am grateful that I am able to make the choice that I am making, because that is what this courage is right now. I am making a choice to keep my head above water. Sometimes, it no longer feels I have the ability to make that choice and that is what scares me. But right now, I cold choose to lay down and idealize what it feels like to die. I could go into my own head and imagine the feeling of slicing my body open. I could get lost in the feeling of closing my eyes while driving and just falling off the freeway. I could find some solace in the suffering.

But I am not. I am here to be with myself. I am here to share myself with myself and with my reader.

I am having the courage to want to stay alive.

I am focusing on my breath in my belly. I am going to meditate. I am going to keep trying.

I have also noticed myself being petty to the people around me because of all the anger I have because I feel I am not understood in my depression. I am trying to tell the people around me that I am not good enough and I want them to convince me that I am. I want them to convince me that I am worth the effort to love. I want their actions to convince me that my life is worth something.

Writing this was the moment I realized these thoughts existed in me and showed me why I felt so much anger lately. However, what I know is that what actually matters is that I believe that my life is worth something. What matters is that I believe that I am worth the effort to love. And, being that I am a nihilist, I am not convinced that my life is worth any of it. But, I am also an existentialist and I am having the courage to stay alive another day in order to find meaning to my life.

I am having the courage to not abandon myself.

Times are dark. But I am here.

I am sharing this in hopes that it helps someone to feel less alone in their dark times. I am sharing this in hopes that you see that you are not the only one ready to let go of life, but maybe you can have courage to not abandon yourself too.

I am scared to write this. I am scared to share this. I am so scared to feel all of these things I have felt and I am scared of a moment where I feel them even more. And in that moment, I hope you are alive, you are here, to remind me to have courage and not abandon myself.

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